Some days, I want to just die

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JenniferH
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Some days, I want to just die

Postby JenniferH » Sun Jul 08, 2012 1:58 pm

Seriously, I often think death would be a better alternative than dealing with this. Mentally physically, I can't do it anymore! I continue to test negative, yet I keep having issues. Today, I couldn't even make it to church. I had normal, got ready, then had to go back to the restroom..then, M! I cant leave the house for fear that it will happen again. I want my life back! I try my hardest to not become a victim, I try my hardest to be normal, but I'm not! I want some answers, and I want to fix this problem! I just don't know how. I feel like when I'm happy, and things are going well, this illness pops back up to say Hi, remember me? I'm still here, to ruin your hopes and dreams! Sometimes I think of silly things, like having my entire colon removed, and getting a colon transplant, or cutting my head off, and putting it on someone elses body!!! Or going back in time, before I contracted this!! :( Ugh, why why why?????

gm37
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Re: Some days, I want to just die

Postby gm37 » Sun Jul 08, 2012 3:22 pm

JenniferH,
I think we have all asked ourselves that question. WHY ME!?!?!
There really is no good answer. After dealing with c-diff for 4 years, I understand your frustration. As I share my problems with friends, I find that they also have odd health problems that I have never heard of. I guess we all have something to deal with.
With c-diff, I am encouraged by the new medications... Like Dificid which worked for me. I also read about lots of success stories that come about through the use of alternative treatments. You have to have faith that you will find the right treatment to help you. Your family loves and needs you. Don't give up. Keep looking for new ideas on treatment. You will get there.
Talk to your doctor and tell him about your frustrations. Talk it over with your family. Stress and worry just agrivate your problems. Enlist your family to help with the stress.
I am praying for you.
Anne

Bobbie
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Re: Some days, I want to just die

Postby Bobbie » Sun Jul 08, 2012 3:25 pm

Jennifer,
Trust me when I saw we've all felt that way - almost every single one of us. The first time I had C. diff. it lasted 4 yrs. At the end, I had "the broth" again (see Doctors - KC, Dr. Mark Allen). It failed the first time but I thought "I'll try it again or drive off a bridge." It worked so I didn't have to look for that bridge. When I developed C. diff. again at Xmas (after beeing free of it since l999) I felt that same "old panic" again.

We know how depressed and helpless you feel. Have you had professional counseling? Many of us have had to try anti-depressants and/or anti-anxiety meds - no shame in it. C. diff. is a strange disease. As many have said, it's like riding a roller coaster but not a "fun" one - one day good, one day bad - unable to count on how you will feel. Only people who have/had C. diff. understand how you feel.

Since you are still testing negative, (the PCR is the most accurate - I believe about 92%) you might have "just IBS." See CDI - Three Day Rule and CDI - IBS. I had IBS for years - not fun but better than C. diff. - symptoms are similar. I slowly improved - most people do.

I remember you have kids. There is a saying, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." The real victims of suicide are the survivors - do you want leave your children this legacy?

There are suicide hot lines you can call. Google and call one ASAP. I believe you have other family members (?) Call one of them. Call a friend. Do see a doctor/counselor ASAP.

We are here for you and understand how you feel, but ultimately, only you can help yourself. You can be a victim or a survivor - victims give up; survivors fight.

Although our "rool" is one post a day about your own problems, please post again today and let us know what you have done to help yourself.

With every good wish and prayer. Get through today an hour at a time; tomorrow might be better.

mayotte
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Re: Some days, I want to just die

Postby mayotte » Sun Jul 08, 2012 3:56 pm

Jennifer, five years ago, I could have written your letter. I was at the end of my rope. I remember buying my children more for their birthdays that year because I didn't figure I would be around for their next one. People on this site gave me information and gave me hope. My journey to wellness lasted over a year, but I made it...you will too. Don't be afraid to use anti-anxiety meds, and don't be afraid to reach out to people on this site. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

getwellsoon
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Re: Some days, I want to just die

Postby getwellsoon » Sun Jul 08, 2012 4:49 pm

Jennifer, I so feel for you, we all know how you feel. You must hang in there. Are you taking anything for the anxiety and depression? I have been fighting for over 16 months now so I know the helpless feeling of the constant struggle. I relapsed after over 4 months. I just knew I was over it that time but it wasn't to be. I still take Ativan because I still feel that depression and anxiety and I need it. Please ask your Dr. for help. This disease attacks the serotonin levels in your gut and is what is making you feel so out of control. The meds help so much with this. We will all keep you in our prayers that you not only feel better physically but mentally as well. The stress is not good for you. Please ask Dr. about some meds. Let us know how you are doing. Carol
CAROL

beth22
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Re: Some days, I want to just die

Postby beth22 » Sun Jul 08, 2012 6:37 pm

Jennifer, the others have given you good advice. I know all too well how you feel. I feel the same many days. The serotonin levels do get affected. I recently saw an endocrinologist because of parathryoid problems, but I told him my whole history and one of the tests he ran on me was serotonin. Mine was 22 and it starts at 20, so it was definitely on the very low side of normal. I am told exercise can help to increase the serotonin levels.

I too, have tested negative for well over a year now, but the symptoms I have are almost worse than the c diff and so unpredictable. My problem seems to be in the small intestine, but I often feel very depressed that 1) I can't eat normally at all - no dairy, fruit, most vegetables, sugars, soda,etc. etc. 2) that I can't gain weight nor take vitamins as they go through me too. I'm not sure yet what I am going to do, but I did see someone for psychological counseling before. I think that is something you might consider.

It is hard to know what to do when you test negative. Doctors won't do a FT under those circumstances. There are a few doctors that do them for IBS, but they are few and far between. Have you ever done a comprehensive stool analysis that is done by one of the alternative labs like Genova? I just had one done - my GI ordered it. It tells you what good and bad bacteria you have in your GI tract. It is good information to have. They also test for c diff some different way - can tell you if it is low grade I believe. You might look into that. When they send you the results, they also list natural treatments that you can use for the various bacteria. They also test for yeast in that panel. Either a naturapath or an md has to order it for you. I prepaid it and it was less than when it used to get billed directly to insurance about $165. Then my insurance put it on my deductible.

Please let us know how you do. There have been many days where I have felt like giving up. Work does help, but doing other things does too. When I get the M, I take Pepto Bismol and it usually helps.

Suezer
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Re: Some days, I want to just die

Postby Suezer » Tue Jul 10, 2012 10:13 am

So many people unfortunately get this and fail to get proper treatment, or they are already sick with something else and treatment fails... and they actually die. I remind myself of this, I know that there is a reason we are all here, pulling our hair out, crying, despairing, and feeling like this will never end. We are survivors, and I totally get how you feel, I am sitting here, about to call in to work, and feeling guilty..how rediculous is that. I need to slap myself and realize that my first responsibility is to my health and state of mind, without these things I cannot function at all.
I am glad you came here to vent because not a single person here can not relate, believe me, we are a club of people who want to quit the club, but at least we have a place to go and vent and learn and get support.
Hang in there and feel free post your frustrations, it feels good to know others actually understand, when we live in a world where we know the people around us could never understand, yet we dont really want them to ever have to first hand.
-hugs-
Hoping for a cure.

Fire2
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Re: Some days, I want to just die

Postby Fire2 » Tue Jul 10, 2012 12:42 pm

The depression, lack of drive, frustration are all normal symptoms of dealing with a difficult systemic disease...The Black Side. It effects all of us to some extent to some extent. It's how you choose to deal with it that makes us different. You may need to set your goals and expectations a little lower as you get started becoming active again. Force yourself to start reclaiming your life....admittedly it's not going to be pretty or easy....but each day that you lose is one that you'll never recover. Create a "Crisis Kit" to take with you when you go out...Gas-X, Pepto, Aspirin, Bentyl and ect. This can and will make a major difference in your confidence.

Fire

AThurston
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Re: Some days, I want to just die

Postby AThurston » Wed Jul 11, 2012 8:05 am

Jennifer, I agree with all the others... I have been battling c diff since Jan. 2011.. I have had 2 negatives thru out this. The longest I have been asymptomatic has been 10 weeks. I believe there is a treatment that will work, it's finding the one.. C diff affects us physically,mentally and financially, all aspects of our lives, and the puzzle is finding what treatment that will be effective for the individual.
I too became depressed and anxious, I was placed on medication and it helped alot. I also seen a psychologist and he put me thru the pyschatric testing and I was not in need of physchiatric counseling, however the pyschologist did continue to see me and he was the best treatment I had to help me emotionally deal with the despair. He also is the one that recommended the meds. I thought yeah right add another pill. I was being smug, I have to admit it helped alot... And I am glad I did it.
I have had the same feelings you are having. I am a nurse and have worked in long term care for a long time. The dr's had not let me work since Nov. 2011. They say they are not concerned about me exposing others, it's me that they don't want exposed to patients. So, in July my work let me go.. I was devastated never being off work more than 2-3 days at a time with flu,sinues,etc.... After being on vanc since Nov, I decided I have to take control of my life, not let c diff whip my life. I hadn't been off vanc maybe 1 or 2 weeks and had an interview to work as a pediatric nurse and I accepted, with a huge paycut and never working in any field of healthcare but geriatrics. Not quite 3 weeks post vanc.... Relapse.. I am now back on the high doses of vanc until the FT..Dr's gave me permission to work as a desk nurse and I have been working for 4 days. It's not been easy because there are days I feel pretty sick. Take control of your life, get mad, don't let this whip you.. You can do it, fight with everything you got in you. Please call your dr, get meds,counseling and support, to help you with whatever your dr may advise you. I am not trying to give medical advise just my opinion and what has helped me. Please don't let the despair overwhelm you, take action, be strong.. I take one day at a time and some days hour by hour. You are in my prayers... Please keep us posted....
Alletta

JenniferH
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Re: Some days, I want to just die

Postby JenniferH » Fri Jul 13, 2012 1:17 am

I just wanted to apologize if I startled anyone with my post. I was recently diagnosed with PTSD, so when I have issues with the C diff, my problems with PTSD start up as well. I am seeing a doctor for the PTSD, and it is being treated.
Two years ago, I was a different person. Two years ago, I wouldn't recognize the person I have become. I had to leave my government job, of 11 years, due to these illnesses. I have severe phobias, I have nightmares, and I have insomnia. I have made a lot of changes in my life recently, desperate to be healthy. I've been working out, I'm actually in shape now. I've gained weight, because I've gained muscle. I have changed the way I eat. I've become a pescaterian, and we eat organic fruits & veggies. I am so desperate for good health! I hate the way people take their health for granted! Every day is a constant struggle for me. It's just so difficult dealing with physical symptoms, as well as mental issues, including anxiety & severe depression. Some days, yes I want to give up. But yes, I am still fighting. After I got sick on Sunday, I started taking Bentonite Clay. I figure, if the C diff is trying to come back, the bentonite clay will absorb the toxins, and remove it from my body. Similar to activated charcoal. I looked into charcoal, and it actually works the same as Bentonite, but charcoal cannot be taken for long periods. I just wanted to again, apologize, I am better. I haven't had any issues since taking the clay *Knock on wood* And yes I am still fighting. Please keep me in your prayers. I will post updates. Thank you all for caring.

beth22
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Re: Some days, I want to just die

Postby beth22 » Fri Jul 13, 2012 1:51 am

There is no need to apologize. This section is for complaints and vents and we all know how you feel. I feel the same way often and I didn't used to. Good luck with the clay. Quetran, as you probably already know, also binds toxins. Have you ever been tested for SIBO - I can't remember. Some of your ongoing issues might be that or a different type of IBS. Hopefully with the health diet and lifestyle, you will continue to improve. I will keep you in my prayers.

Bobbie
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Re: Some days, I want to just die

Postby Bobbie » Fri Jul 13, 2012 4:17 am

Jennifer,
Read your PM first & then went on the site & saw you posted.

I've had PTSD twice. Nasty stuff - almost as bad as C. diff. Exercise helps me a lot. Glad it helps you, too.

Glad you let us know. Bet it because Roy was going to fly over here!

Thanks, Roy, you are a "diamond in the rough" or maybe a real diamond.

gm37
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Re: Some days, I want to just die

Postby gm37 » Fri Jul 13, 2012 9:26 am

Jennifer,
I am so happy to hear from you!
Hang in there. We are all here for you. I pray that you get rid of this soon.
Anne

Suchapunim
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Re: Some days, I want to just die

Postby Suchapunim » Sun Oct 26, 2014 5:42 pm

I'm new here and am reading everything. I too feel like I want to die with the anticipation that I might have another c diff infection. Waiting for the tests to come back is killing me. On my first bout with c diff I took Flagyl and it made me feel horrible. I was scared, depressed and felt so sick. Every time I had to take a dose it made me feel like I was going crazy. If this test comes back positive I will be taking Dificid. The newest most expensive drug to combat this disease. The prospect of all the new possible side effects of this med is not helping with my anxiety. Does your mind ever stop thinking about this stuff? Help, I need a break!

gm37
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Re: Some days, I want to just die

Postby gm37 » Sun Oct 26, 2014 11:46 pm

Your feelings of anxiety are the norm for c-diff sufferers. The testing and waiting are tough on the nerves.
Flagyl is a really awful drug. Dificid was much easier for me to take. I had a tough time getting rid of the c-diff, but the Dificid finally kicked it for me. I hope you get better soon. Hang in there.
Anne


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