Oh, do i want to vent!

[Bobbie]

I'm sure everyone else on the site is sick of being sick. Since having C. diff., I've developed so many health problems, I can't remember them - have a list on the computer. Some are probably related to C. diff; some not. I have managed to stay away from docs. for a long time, but I've had something wrong with my right foot for a several months so I finally made an appointment with a podatrist tomorrow. Looking forward to it tremendously. I've had bumps on my feet for years, but since I don't want to risk surgery, I buy shoes "around" them. This is something different, however, and I it affects my aerobic exercise -- which I do four times a week because of osteoporosis and asthma. Also, it makes me feel better.

This Wed. I have a long overdue appointment with my internist I was supposed to go in for blood work this week, but once again someone screwed it up and omited the order for chlorestral. Same thing happened last year so this year I called the lab first and checked. Same screwup. I told the nurse I also want to be checked for thryoid - I'm cold all the time - even when it isn't cold - am depressed (gee, I wonder why?) have insomnia, and some other symptoms that could be related to thyroid. (I did have a low thryoid count years ago.) I am so hoping I've diagnosed myself correctly because then I can take another medication - to add to the many I already take. I feel as though I am getting a UTI - have IC - so who knows?If I do have a UTI, I am in big trouble. I've been on preventative macrobid (the only antibiotic I can take) for years; my internist says someday it won't work for me.

I lost a good friend this spring and my last remaining aunt the following month. I exercise constantly, watch my weight, am active in a lot of organizations, but this time of year (the happy holidays) are too much for me. My mother (my best friend) died two years ago (after a two-year bout with dementia and other problems) on my birthday - Dec. 20. She fell on Thanksgiving and broke her 2nd hip; was in the hospital and then a nursing home until she died.Everywhere I go, I see my mom, and it's worse this time of year. Last year we went to the UK for Xmas; not possible this year - also bad time of the year to travel. Last year, the UK had the coldest winter since l907 - gee, do you think it was because I was there? Three years ago, I fractured a vetebra and was in a brace at Xmas.

I lost a premature chid on Dec. 20; he would be 41 this year - this was the same year I had a miscarriage. My youngest son was a high risk pregnancy but I carrried him full term although the OB said I wouldn't - I leaked amniotic fluid; same problem with preemie but the OB wouldn't believe me when I said there was something wrong. My younger son has always had a lot of health issues (including C. diff. twice) and doesn't take care of himself.

My older son (normal pregnancy and healthy) lives in the UK and we don't see him and his family unless we go there. (Many reasons why). His wife has just been diagnosed with fibormyagia.

My closet cousin died two years ago on Dec. l8. I was close to my maternal grandparents - who were born and died in December. My grandmother died on Dec. ll -- our anniversary. My uncle (their son) was killed in a ship that was torpoed during WWII on the way home for Chrismas. I have little famly left - one sibling (no love lost there); he has three daughters. I used to be close to them until their father and I parted ways over his failure to help Mom. He also did "weird stuff" when Dad was dying. (He is a med. mal attorney who was going to sue the hospitals, the doctors, and me. I have little family left.

And to top it off, the GD washing machine is off balance again for the uptenth time - after 3 repair calls. Well. time to go do my computer printup of all my ailments for my doc. appointment tomorrow morning. I can hardly wait!

[Fire2]

Bobbie:

I'm speechless...for once I have nothing to say but DAMN !!!! They call us "Master's of Disasters" it sounds like you should be giving us classes. Of all of the folks that have the right to vent....you're at the front of the line....Let the rage fly.....

Fire

[Bobbie]

Thanks, Fire. I went online to delete my message but didn't when I saw your comment. When I read it, I cried - I seldom cry - perhaps "all cried out." I gave a eulogy at my mom's memorial service (dumbest thing I ever did) and cried the whole time. I had Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) for three months after Mom died - I called an old friend from the hospital after her death -didn't remember it - couldn't read or concentrate. I don't know where my parents' ashes are -- Mother had Dad's because she wanted them co-mingled after she died. Dear brother refused to give permission for her cremation unless I gave him the ashes - never would say what he did with them. Doesn't make a diference really - they are not "there"

I can handle things untl this time of year, and then I get through Dec. an hour at a time. I keep remembering my parents and then my mom coming here for Xmas. I was raised to be "a good sport" and not complain. It gets old.

Thanks again for your comments. You really are a "saver."

[Kathy George]

Bobbie,
After reading your post, I wanted to fly to Kansas City, MO and give you a real big HIGH FIVE. After all, most of us have been through the unwanted burdens that continue to multiply during post C-Diff. It’s rewarding to hear a sincere grumble from time to time. It truly clears the mind, body and soul of the built-up turmoil that resides in our bodies on a day to day basis. Thanks for reminding us that we are not infallible, we are just humans that need a tender ear from time to time. Many Smiles and Big Hugs Going Your Way!!!
Kathy

[JoElizabeth]

I want to come to Kansas City and give you a BIG HUG, Bobbie. So many horrible memories to deal with...I'm so sorry and I can see why this month is so difficult for you. Rant and vent away to us. Don't leave it pent up inside. We care! And sometimes a good cry is EXACTLY what is needed!


jo

[gm37]

Bobbie,
You certainly have had more than your share of the cr*p life can deal out. Amazing that you continue to be a source of help and hope for so many people. You nurtured your kids and your mom through tough times. You have provided comfort and stength for hundreds on this site. I, for one, am so thankful for the kindness and friendship that you offer. Your strength and humor come through loud and clear in your posts. Vent all you want. There are many here who care for you and hope your future presents less heartbreak and more joy.
Anne

[Fire2]

Bobbie:

I do a lot of debriefing and defusing for my guys after really bad calls. You thinking that you had a bout of PTSD in my mind is right on, and you're doing the best thing possible by venting. If you just ignore it...it will be placed in your head as a unfinished task and your brain will keep trying to assign it value and worth (this can last for years )...kinda like an old 8 track tape. Your mind will keep working on the task in your mind until it solves and files the issue. If you don't deal with it by venting, discussing the issue....they all begin to pile up and suddenly we have "burnout,'' For many that is usually Career ending. Family issues are extremely hard to deal with as it is family...good or bad it's still family. The Holiday season seems to magnify the past issues.For me the Holidays always take me back to a farm house fire where the Xmas tree caught fire and we lost 3 little kids. We couldn't do a thing to rescue them. Presents and Xmas trees are my trigger. We can't change what has happened in the past. All we can do is to acknowledge them and focus on today's tasks'.

I totally agree with the others...you've done so much good and helped so many folks, raised a family, been successful in your career. Very well done...I salute you and wouldn't even consider trying to walk in your shoes.

They tell us that adversity makes us stronger...if that was true then you'd put Body Builders to shame. Feel free to let the rage fly, as it will be the best thing for you. Remember you can always claim that it was a Senior Moment.

Fire

[getwellsoon]

Hang in there Bobbie and God Bless you for all the support you have given on this site to me and so many others. This month is bad for me also, My sister was dying from cancer at 51 and I went up to see her for the last time. She died on Jan. 5th my grandsons BD. I'm glad you had a good cry and got it all out. I had one on Sunday morning and I felt better after it. We deal with so much with our own health and to think we have to deal with all these other things is so overwhelming. You deserve a good rant. Hope you are feeling better for letting it out and know that we admire and need you on this site and you are truly loved and appreciated for all you do. Carol

[Mommy23]

I know things in your life haven't been easy but never realized the extent of difficulties. I certainly think its good not to bottle up our feelings. I think we're quite alike, I try very hard to accept the situations in life that won't change, but sometimes we just need to crumble and get back up again. I haven't lost my parents yet, but I can't imagine the "emotions" of the holidays.

I for one, am deeply grateful for all you do. Day after day, supporting others, giving hope to the hopeless and educating so many who know nothing about this dreadful illness. Without this board so many would be lost, and you are the backbone to this site.
Hugs to you
-Laurie

[Bobbie]

Thanks to everyone who posted the supportive and wonderful messages - they made me feel so much better.

I haven't been on the this week - saw two doctors - a pod. (foot doc.) because I've had pain in my right foot. He was rude and dismissive - told me I should no longer go to Jazzecise as the cartilege in my feet in bad - spent less than 10 minutes with me and sold me foam tubing (to cover my injured toe) for $l.00 a roll. He was supposed to send the results of my X-ray to my internist - he didn't. I called his office and said I was very disappointed (took my mother to him for years to have her toe nails clipped) and would be picking up my X-ray and copies of any notes he made.

My appointment with my internist was a regularly scheduled one for blood work. My sodium in dangerously low -- they don't know why. I am supposed to drink less water (drink it because of IC and UTI's) and return in two weeks. (I also limit my salt - high BP - supposed to use more salt.) The pod. was supposed to send her a copy of his diagnosis -- he sent only a letter saying I had seen him - no explanation. The results of my UT aren't back yet.

Last night I was in a car accident - no injury but extensive damage to both cars.

I probably should stay home but I am going to Jazzercise and plan to stay from docs. - if I can.

Noted your comments, Liz and Christina and am so sorry.

I'll be posting again next week.

Again, thanks everyone for your support.

[gm37]

Bobbie,
A car wreck! OMG! How awful!
Are you sure about not getting checked out? I did not get checked after that fall in Florida and I am paying the price. Family doctor was very upset with me. He sent me to get a CT scan of my head due to horrible headaches. I am going to a chiropractor to try to get my back and neck back in shape.
I am worried about you. Keep me posted.
Anne

[Bobbie]

Thanks, Anne. I think I am OK although I was hit on the driver's side. I do NOT want to see another doc. for awhile. I don't have any symptoms of injury.

Do you think I need an exocist? I have such bad luck a friend (a devout Catholic who'd been a nun but left the convent) suggested it years ago when I was in an accident when my younger son was in and out of the hospital with C. diff. I was driving my brand new car to take my older son and his friends to bowling (my mom was with my younger son) when a car ran a four-way stop sign. When I realized what she was doing, I veered over or the girl sitting in the passenger side would have been hurt. My car was almost totaled. The other driver kept saying, "Oh, your beautiful car. I am so sorry. I just took my husband to the airport, and I was crying and didn't see your car." My car was almost totaled but I drove it to and from the hopsital until I could get in to have it fixed.

"If it weren't for bad luck, I wouldn't have no luck." I need a new life.

[gm37]

Oh, Bobbie, if you had a different life, you would not have your sense of humor or compassion for others.
I am sorry about the car wreck. My mom was in one this week on Barry Road. It was a chain reaction kind of thing where she was the fouth in line. Her car is new and she loves it. It has some damage but not bad. Her knee is bruised but she is fine otherwise. She is 84 and very plucky.
No, I do not think you need and exorcist....but you do have your share of bad luck. Good thing you have that positive attitude to get you through.
We went to Zona Rosa tonight and enjoyed the lights and holiday atmosphere. Hope you are feeling OK.
Anne

[Bobbie]

Thanks again, everyone. I think I am ready to accept my "new norm." Whenever I develop a new problem or have another catastrophe, it takes me awhile to process it, and then I'm OK.

I'm still in Jazzercise - I've gone for 21 years and have work-out clothes older than some of my class members. It one of the things that has kept me going and I am not giving it up as the pod. suggested - that "ninny." I am using lighter weights and not "hopping' as much. I called the pod's office Friday. It was their "day off" of course. When you see a new patient every l5 minutes you need a three-day weekend! (By the way, docs. who do this get a big "bonus" at the end of the year from their practice. I left a message with the doc.'s nurse that I was disappointed in him, and I wanted my foot X-ray and copies of any notes he made as they are legally mine. I'll take the X-ray to my internist and see what she says about it.

I'm taking my damaged car in Monday to be fixed - am going to a luncheon first. I love my car. It's a 99 Acura but I always become attached to my cars and don't want a new one. Have you noticed how tiny windows in the new car are? Lord, if I can't see out the windows, I'll be in more accidents! I have "stuff" all week including an all- day outing for 22 women that I planned - visit to Charming Charlie's (a jewelry and "accessories" store and luncheon. It's involved a million phone calls, dozens of Emails, and I'll be glad wen it's over Dealing with a bunch fo women is like herding a group of cattle! I have other parties to attend so I'll make it through December, that happy ho ho month. Lord may it be over quickly.

Thanks again to everyone for your support. It meant a lot to me. Good thing we have each other! AND we don't have to explain to each other, "What is C. diff.???"