Jerk of the Year

[Bobbie]

Speaking of "goofy" relatives. I have one brother. He is "very imporant" -- med. mal. attorney in Omaha. When Mother fell over 6 yrs ago in MT., I called him to let him know. He said, "What do you expect me to do about it? Later, he said, "I'm not retired, but I'm rich & famous." ???

I spent 10 weeks in MT & my husband came twice. Between us, we got the house "cleared out" & ready to sell. Brother Dearest never came to MT. (He had "problems" -- so who doesn't?) When Mother almost died after a reaction to a medicine, I called him again & told him how serious it was (as did several relatives & friends). He said "Let's just let nature take its course."

Because he wouldn't talk to me again, I had to get a sole POA (we had duel -- did another one for him as POA in case something happened to me -- with Mother's blessing & a doctor's exam to prove her competency) so we could sell the house, car, furniture, etc. He was also destructive -- called the doctors & told them not to listen to me because, "She over reacts." When Mother had the drug reaction, I had to forcibly pull the ward doc. in her room because she was almost comatose. They rushed to acute care ASAP.

It was a nightmare. I visited her all day at the hopsital/rehab/then nursing home & sorted through "stuff" at night. Was in a car accident in a rental car - lucky I wasn't hurt; other car slammed into the passneger's side. (Dad's car stalled all over town -- sometimes late at night.)

After we moved her here (to an assisted living nearby), Brother Dearest sent us a letter (air express at Thanksgiving) telling us he was going to sue us after Mother's death because she wasn't "competent" when she gave me sole POA. It was a ten-page letter listing how wonderful he is & how awful I am. His ex-wife (2nd) says he is a narcissist & I believe her. (He used to be a "good guy." Don't know what happened -- a little fame & fortune?)

Now, more than 6 years later & after months of neglect (except for huge bouquets of flowers), he has been visiting her fairly often (he lives 3 hrs. away) but can't buy her toothpaste, toilet paper, etc. Suppose he wants to be known as "the good son" toward the end. (At one point, he hadn't seen her in almost 3 years.) He comes here on business & "works Mother in then. (He takes depositions from docs. here as most docs. won't testify against a doc. in the same town/city.)

We do almost everything for her -- washing clothes, running errands, doc., dentist visits, pay bills, make phone calls, etc. Have to "be so careful" about a "paper trail." She now has dementia, almost total hearing loss, & diverticulosis (uses lots of toilet paper; I "lug it in" in huge amounts.)

I nominate Brother Dearest as "jerk of the year." Too bad we can't pick our relatives!

[Nancy1]

Bobbie, I am so sorry that your brother is such an awful jerk. He and Cindy's sister-in-law should get together! Then they could drive each other nuts, instead of going off on you and Cindy. I wish on them both the karma that they well deserve.

[fire7163]

Bobbie:

I didn't share the best part of the issues with the ---ich. My Dad had 6 full rows of campaign ribbons and medal on his dress Greens including a couple of Silver Stars. The...tch cancelled the honor guard and left my brother and I to unload the casket and listen to a tape recored version of taps and a prefolded plastic wrapped flag. As I said it's a good thing she wasn't there as when I was informed that all of this was her request, I'd have been digging another hole. I went as far as the White House..who apologized, but the damage had been done.

[TheVike]

Wow sounds like MY family! If I were you or at least your husband I'd KNOCK the s*** outta hin next time you seee get close to him! I mean FLOOOOOR him!

[Bobbie]

Roy & others,
I didn't make note of everything we've done for Mother because I did it out of love, but I should have been smarter. Also, I was so tired by the time we moved her here, & with all the other problems, (I had a torn retina & other health issues, my BIL died suddenly). I dropped the ball." I do have several doctors' statements attesting to her competency when I got the sole POA., and I had the investment counselor note that she was present at every conference. I asked her to write a statement that we hadn't profited from her. She agreed & I had it notarized. She was not happy with her son for months after she moved here because he didn't come to see her, but she doesn't remember that now. I can get copies of every time I've taken her to the internist/podatrist/dentist/ENT/eye doc. & there have been many.

I am sure Brother Dearest is "circling." I was close to 2 of my 3 nieces until Daddy pulled the money strings. Sad what can happen to families.

I called him several times when Mother was so sick last year & left messages that even though neither of us wanted to talk to the other, surely at our age, we could overlook our differences and discuss our mother's condition. No answer. I Emailed one of my nieces last Feb. & said I needed to talk to her father. She replied, "Dad has been monitoring Grandma Vi's Alz. for months. We send you our prayers, love, and best wishes." I replied, "Prayers, love, & best wishes aint' going to do it. Need help." No response. (Interesting -- Mother wasn't diagnosed with dementia until last January.)

Several weeks ago, he left a msg. on my cell phone in a sarcastic voice. "I will agree to talk to you about Mother's condition, but if you talk about our relationship, I will hang up on you. So call me if you want." NOT. We haven't had a relationship for years.

I am sure his recent visits have a purpose, but Mother is so thrilled to see him. Wonder if he'd like to wash her clothes? (He is now paying for bathing assistance & med. administration--which has almost doubled her med. bill. First time he's done anything for Mother except take her to lunch or dinner. He takes her to high $$ places like "La Fu Frog" then takes a copy of menu & leave it in her room.) I believe he's a little "teched" in the head.

A friend of mine in Omaha ran into him last summer & said he should call me. He said, "Oh, she's always been jealous of my success." She told him off, big time. He's rather a joke with other lawyers in Omaha because of his methods.

Vultures have never been high on my "like" list. Sorry, you, too have had similar experiences. The sorriest thing is that at this time, it would be nice to have a sibling who shared in the awful experience of having your parent wither away-- mentally & physically.

Brother Dearest is a "piece of work." If there is an afterlife, he'd better hope he doesn't wind up with Dad because Dad will knock the .... out of him.

[Bobbie]

Thx., Roy. Dementia is so difficultr to watch, but you are right. It's probably harder on the family. My dad had Alz. (verified by autopsy) years ago so "been there, done this" before, but I am older with more health problems. The doc. thinks perhaps Mother had a small stroke. They could run her through a bunch of tests, but the doc. said the treatment would be the same. An autopsy is the only '"sure" indicator of Alz.

Think I am better off ignoring Brother Dearest. He hates to be ignored. Went to a niece's wedding 4 yrs. ago. Brother Dearest was there - sat in the front row as father of the bride between his two ex-wives. Durng the wedding, he kept hugging & kissing ex-wife #2. "Always a performer."

At the reception, I sat with his 2nd ex-wife & several people from his office. He kept coming over to Ex #1 & hugging her from the back as he stared at me. I never made eye contact-- got up to get more food, a glass of wine, a cup of coffee, to take a pix. Did this on the advice of a counselor. who said I needed to "cut" him out of my life. Amen!

The bride had people lined up to escort her father out in case he made a scene. Instead, he gave her a huge check for a wedding gift. Money does buy love!

Naracists can't stand to be ignored as they have to be "on" all the time. Attorneys learn the art of maniputation in law school, and he probably got an A plus.

Thx. for the good thoughts. By the way, I did get my mother a hearing device, but don't think it's going to work for her. The one I wanted to get is $250.00 -- available free from the Department for the Blind -- but only if a person is legally blind.

Well, enough of Brother Dearest. May he rest in peace!