I am so sad today, I've been depressed for the last 3 or so days. At first I thought it was just the depression I've suffered with over the years, but now I believe the c-diff is coming back and I've just HAD IT! I can't do this anymore!!!
I finished my second round of Vanco on 1/27/08 and thought ok, this is IT! I started taking what I thought was a really good probiotic, bought some Purell and used it every single time I used the bathroom, getting plenty of rest, etc., etc., etc. and yet, a few days or so ago I started to feel nauseous again. I wrote it off to just not feeling well (after all it is winter and "things" go around). Today I am EXTREMELY nauseous and feeling very weak and tired. I did notice I've been sleeping more and more as the days go by, but didn't think much of it, since I have been sick with this since late September. So far no D, so that's encouraging. On the other hand, I seem to get headaches, as a sort of pre-cursor to the full blown c-diff, and I'm having headaches again. I am ssssssoooo depressed I just don't feel like I can do this anymore.
I feel like I'm gonna lose it here!!! I haven't called my doctor yet, but while I was in a "feel good period of time" I had stopped by the lab and picked up some stool sample cups, "just in case" (hoping I'd never have to use them!). My doctor isn't very responsive to most of this, although he has done whatever I've asked him to do (i.e. filling out forms to help me with the cost of the Vanco, etc.). I called his office over 3 weeks ago to get a referral to a GI (we don't have any IDC's in this area) and his office has never even called me back with a referral. They did call me back to ask a few questions, but then I never heard back from them again. What is his problem!?!
I'm sitting here close to tears...I'm mad at my doctor, I'm mad at this disease, I'm mad at THE WORLD at the moment. This is NOT how I had planned to spend the rest of my life, but somehow I'm feeling this is how it will be. My mother has c-diff AGAIN, and my father has been admitted back into the hospital for his heart problems twice in the last week and a half. It's too much! I'm just very very sad and depressed right now.......
I'm very sad today.....
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marscan
- Regular Contributor
- Posts: 193
- Joined: Sat Oct 27, 2007 12:29 pm
Hi Katy, Im so sorry to hear you are feeling bad/sad/angry/depressed - we all absolutely hate this disease and know exactly the frame of mind you are in and can totally sympathize and relate. You said that your doc is receptive to your suggestions - have you done a vanco taper after your rounds or just go off cold turkey? Also, those dull, throbbing headaches and bouts of kick-you-azz fatigue.....ughh. I continued to get those weeks after stopping vanco, then they simply disappeared one day. You also mentioned that you have lab supplies. Has your doctor given you a lab slip (undated) so that you can simply take your sample into the lab when you feel a possible relapse coming on? That gave me such comfort - knowing all I had to do was transport my frozen pal to the lab without calling the doc. You said you have no "d", and that is a very very good sign, in my opinion. I swear you can actually feel this damn thing trying to rise back up, but it truly may calm back down - but you know your symptoms best. Please hang in there Katy - alot of folks are pulling for you.
"Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac....."
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carrie
- Regular Contributor
- Posts: 308
- Joined: Mon Aug 06, 2007 11:39 am
Hey Katie,
You can do this and you will! I agree you have alot to cope with at one time and the whole idea of having another relapse is so frightening that it is difficult to get away from those thoughts. I'm so glad to hear there is no "D". That is such a positive sign. If you are reading other posters at this time many are expressing concerns of relapses, it seems many of us are experiencing the same fears at the same time. Good thing we have each other. I also recently had a scare and it has left me with a fatigue that I have rarely experienced. I think of myself as a high energy person but my fear and energy levels left me hiding in my bed most of the weekend. I thought forsure I was headed back into a relapse. What kept me going was planning how I would handle the next bout and what options and resources I would need but I still felt an abundant amout of fear and sadness. It is also difficult when we want our physicians to be there for us when we most need them but sometimes they just can't be. When I called my GI I always felt I was getting a lecture from the receptionist, it drives me up the wall. I just wish people would think about how they would want to be treated before they respond. I'm constantly reminding staff at work to treat indidviduals the way you would want to be treated, it makes such a difference to be truely caring to someone who is suffering(for whatever reason it may be).
This is not how you are going to spend the rest of your life, that's just being unfair to yourself....Don't give up, it will all be behind you before you know it. Try, try to find something to occupy your mind but if you need to rest do so, your body needs to get strong.
Also keep in mind that February is often a difficult month for those who suffer with depression(and even those who don't) and since you have added stresses at this time the impact is likely much heavier. Be easy on yourself and believe you will get hrough this journey. Be strong
You can do this and you will! I agree you have alot to cope with at one time and the whole idea of having another relapse is so frightening that it is difficult to get away from those thoughts. I'm so glad to hear there is no "D". That is such a positive sign. If you are reading other posters at this time many are expressing concerns of relapses, it seems many of us are experiencing the same fears at the same time. Good thing we have each other. I also recently had a scare and it has left me with a fatigue that I have rarely experienced. I think of myself as a high energy person but my fear and energy levels left me hiding in my bed most of the weekend. I thought forsure I was headed back into a relapse. What kept me going was planning how I would handle the next bout and what options and resources I would need but I still felt an abundant amout of fear and sadness. It is also difficult when we want our physicians to be there for us when we most need them but sometimes they just can't be. When I called my GI I always felt I was getting a lecture from the receptionist, it drives me up the wall. I just wish people would think about how they would want to be treated before they respond. I'm constantly reminding staff at work to treat indidviduals the way you would want to be treated, it makes such a difference to be truely caring to someone who is suffering(for whatever reason it may be).
This is not how you are going to spend the rest of your life, that's just being unfair to yourself....Don't give up, it will all be behind you before you know it. Try, try to find something to occupy your mind but if you need to rest do so, your body needs to get strong.
Also keep in mind that February is often a difficult month for those who suffer with depression(and even those who don't) and since you have added stresses at this time the impact is likely much heavier. Be easy on yourself and believe you will get hrough this journey. Be strong
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Nancy1
- Administrator
- Posts: 1902
- Joined: Wed Jan 18, 2006 1:48 am
Katy,
I am very sorry to hear that you are feeling so lousy. And that your mother has cdiff again, and that your father is not well either. And that your doctor is very unhelpful. Too much! I sympathize. My GI doc gave up on me after my 3rd relapse. He didn't even tell me that he gave up on me, he just stopped returning my phone calls. When I called his office, the PA said he would call. But he never did. So I finally got a referral to an ID doc from my primary care doc. If I were you, I'd call your doc every day until you get a referral. Good luck.
My father and my sister both died while I had cdiff, and I was very depressed. Are you taking anything for your depression? I took Paxil, plus Klonopin to sleep at night, and that helped. Hang in there. It gets better. Everyone beats cdiff eventually, they tell me, and you will too. Let us know how it goes. We care. You are not alone.
I am very sorry to hear that you are feeling so lousy. And that your mother has cdiff again, and that your father is not well either. And that your doctor is very unhelpful. Too much! I sympathize. My GI doc gave up on me after my 3rd relapse. He didn't even tell me that he gave up on me, he just stopped returning my phone calls. When I called his office, the PA said he would call. But he never did. So I finally got a referral to an ID doc from my primary care doc. If I were you, I'd call your doc every day until you get a referral. Good luck.
My father and my sister both died while I had cdiff, and I was very depressed. Are you taking anything for your depression? I took Paxil, plus Klonopin to sleep at night, and that helped. Hang in there. It gets better. Everyone beats cdiff eventually, they tell me, and you will too. Let us know how it goes. We care. You are not alone.
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ClDif
- Regular Contributor
- Posts: 189
- Joined: Sun Dec 30, 2007 1:58 pm
Hi Katy,
just wanted to let you know that I, like many others, know exactly how you are feeling. You are not alone and you will make this, no matter what! Even if there was another relapse coming, which there may not be, you would make it and come out of it the stronger for it.
Planning the next steps just in case always really helps me too. It's like insurance in case you need quick help, and as always, best to help yourself.
I am feeling the same way at the moment, ups and downs, had an awful day with loads of tears and desperation on Tuesday, was all smily and hopeful yesterday - and God knows what today will be like. Let's take it one day at a time, it's all we can do, but eventually, you will be able to look back on this chapter of your life and be so glad it is far behind you. This will happen! Do try and concentrate on what your life will be like then and look forward to it, it will become true!
just wanted to let you know that I, like many others, know exactly how you are feeling. You are not alone and you will make this, no matter what! Even if there was another relapse coming, which there may not be, you would make it and come out of it the stronger for it.
Planning the next steps just in case always really helps me too. It's like insurance in case you need quick help, and as always, best to help yourself.
I am feeling the same way at the moment, ups and downs, had an awful day with loads of tears and desperation on Tuesday, was all smily and hopeful yesterday - and God knows what today will be like. Let's take it one day at a time, it's all we can do, but eventually, you will be able to look back on this chapter of your life and be so glad it is far behind you. This will happen! Do try and concentrate on what your life will be like then and look forward to it, it will become true!
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cindym
- Long Time Contributor
- Posts: 1660
- Joined: Fri Aug 16, 2002 8:10 pm
Katy- The good news is YOU WILL LIVE.......the bad news is IT COULD BE CDIFF AGAIN. After battling this bug for 6+ years I have come to terms with all the roller coaster ups and downs of relapses. You can either live or let life slip you by while being consumed by "bad days". I went through many stages of depression and RAGE and you know what? Nothing changes what happens with our bodies with this horrible bacteria until which time our bodies are ready to comply. I let 3.5 years go by and really in a sense LOST THEM due to being consumed of "can not do this anymore syndrome". Don't let this happen to you. You have to look at cdiff as a battle in which you are determined to win........Kinda like not letting yourself be "brainwashed" in war. See your goal (which is to conquer) and just take one day at a time and make each good day count. Tomorrow is not promised for any of us but we do have TODAY and if we sit around and mope and feel like caving in------who won the battle? I refuse to let it happen to me and I have been through the realms of hell in the past 6+ years but I be DAMNED if this bug will win! Hang on and toughen up because it can be a long road for some of us unlucky ones.
My theory on antidepressants is that they may help you deal with reality a bit better but it does nothing to change it and you have to deal with it. The old saying is LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT.........I never understood it until cdiff struck! Good luck and hang in there.
My theory on antidepressants is that they may help you deal with reality a bit better but it does nothing to change it and you have to deal with it. The old saying is LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT.........I never understood it until cdiff struck! Good luck and hang in there.
Cindy
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Katy
- New User
- Posts: 24
- Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2008 6:27 am
Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts and for helping me to "hang in there". I truly appreciate each and everyone of you.
I do think I'm sending myself into the "panic mode" when any one of the many symptoms hits, and I'm gonna have to learn how to recognize them for what they are, rather than think that awful "Oh no...." feeling.
I'm feeling better, and no D, so it's likely that it was just a "false scare", thank God. Still it's scary, and depressing, when you THINK it's coming back (as most of you already know!). As of tomorrow I am two weeks off of Vanco and crossing my fingers ;) Hopefully I'll be one of the lucky ones, and I'll be one that gets to come back and try to inspire some of you with a "good news story"!
Roy,
Thanks for your comments about my family. Even though I "knew it", it took reading it to realize that this was just another thing that was causing some of the anxiety about all of this. My parents are elderly and I want so much to be able to help with their care and to spend time with them too. They aren't getting any younger (or healthier!) and I am feeling anxious about not being able to be there with them. So thanks, it helps to see that someone else can see that.
Cindym,
I have to say, most of what you said I do agree with, even though there are more days than not that I hardly have the energy to get out of bed.
I do have to disagree with you on the antidepressant comment though. No offense, but I've suffered with depression for over 30 years now and to make a sweeping comment like that just isn't fair. Depression affects many people in many different ways, believe me, I've been there/done that. It took me years to get my own father to understand it (he's from the "old school" way of thinking "just pull yourself up from your bootstraps" genereation. Well, sorry, but do people actually THINK that if it was that easy for chronic depression suffers that we wouldn't just DO THAT?!? After years of watching me go through my bouts with depression he finally "gets it". I'm not trying to be rude and hope I'm not coming across as such. But I really think making comments like that is not only not helpful but can be very harmful to some. But thanks, I will keep hanging in there, and good luck to you as well!
Take care all, it's been a big help to come here and read your comments!
I do think I'm sending myself into the "panic mode" when any one of the many symptoms hits, and I'm gonna have to learn how to recognize them for what they are, rather than think that awful "Oh no...." feeling.
I'm feeling better, and no D, so it's likely that it was just a "false scare", thank God. Still it's scary, and depressing, when you THINK it's coming back (as most of you already know!). As of tomorrow I am two weeks off of Vanco and crossing my fingers ;) Hopefully I'll be one of the lucky ones, and I'll be one that gets to come back and try to inspire some of you with a "good news story"!
Roy,
Thanks for your comments about my family. Even though I "knew it", it took reading it to realize that this was just another thing that was causing some of the anxiety about all of this. My parents are elderly and I want so much to be able to help with their care and to spend time with them too. They aren't getting any younger (or healthier!) and I am feeling anxious about not being able to be there with them. So thanks, it helps to see that someone else can see that.
Cindym,
I have to say, most of what you said I do agree with, even though there are more days than not that I hardly have the energy to get out of bed.
I do have to disagree with you on the antidepressant comment though. No offense, but I've suffered with depression for over 30 years now and to make a sweeping comment like that just isn't fair. Depression affects many people in many different ways, believe me, I've been there/done that. It took me years to get my own father to understand it (he's from the "old school" way of thinking "just pull yourself up from your bootstraps" genereation. Well, sorry, but do people actually THINK that if it was that easy for chronic depression suffers that we wouldn't just DO THAT?!? After years of watching me go through my bouts with depression he finally "gets it". I'm not trying to be rude and hope I'm not coming across as such. But I really think making comments like that is not only not helpful but can be very harmful to some. But thanks, I will keep hanging in there, and good luck to you as well!
Take care all, it's been a big help to come here and read your comments!
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Bobbie
- Administrator
- Posts: 12688
- Joined: Sat Aug 06, 2005 8:00 pm
Katy,
Here's my standard intro. to site:
Welcome to the site. Read the first forum ALL USERS READ THIS FIRST & its subtopics – especially the announcements: PLEASE READ BEFORE YOU POST and GUIDELINES FOR POSTING TO OUR DISCUSSION BOARDS. They will guide you in using the site & answer some of the most frequent questions. Read Dr. Borody’s & Dr. McDonald’s articles and some of the topics in[i] FAQ – especially Hygiene, Nutrition, & Testing.
Let's hope you are one of the lucky ones who recover with one to two rounds of Flagyl or Vanco. If antibiotics contributed to your C. diff., be careful about taking them again. (See FAQ-Antibiotics.) Some people can tolerate them without a problem; some develop C. diff. again. (See Dr. Borody’s article.)[/i]You have to "take it." You don't have a choice.
Not to be unsympathetic, but many on this site have suffered for years.
You will recover -- honest. And panic is part of the disease. I am currently on an antibiotic for a UTI & altho. it's supposed to be a "safe" one (Macrobid), I am terrified at the thought of possibly having to go through C. diff. again as I am at high risk.
Depression is part of any disease -- & if you have that tendancy it can be more so.
My son & I had C. diff. when there wasn't a support site & few (including docs.) knew little about it. Count yourself lucky.
Try to focus on other things. Don't panic. Read FAQ-Ten Commandments of Surviving C. diff. Try to stay occupied -- read, exercise (if possible), shop (just know the locations of every restroom wherever you are).
Your body might take awhile to recover.
Again, you will get well -- honest.
Here's my standard intro. to site:
Welcome to the site. Read the first forum ALL USERS READ THIS FIRST & its subtopics – especially the announcements: PLEASE READ BEFORE YOU POST and GUIDELINES FOR POSTING TO OUR DISCUSSION BOARDS. They will guide you in using the site & answer some of the most frequent questions. Read Dr. Borody’s & Dr. McDonald’s articles and some of the topics in[i] FAQ – especially Hygiene, Nutrition, & Testing.
Let's hope you are one of the lucky ones who recover with one to two rounds of Flagyl or Vanco. If antibiotics contributed to your C. diff., be careful about taking them again. (See FAQ-Antibiotics.) Some people can tolerate them without a problem; some develop C. diff. again. (See Dr. Borody’s article.)[/i]You have to "take it." You don't have a choice.
Not to be unsympathetic, but many on this site have suffered for years.
You will recover -- honest. And panic is part of the disease. I am currently on an antibiotic for a UTI & altho. it's supposed to be a "safe" one (Macrobid), I am terrified at the thought of possibly having to go through C. diff. again as I am at high risk.
Depression is part of any disease -- & if you have that tendancy it can be more so.
My son & I had C. diff. when there wasn't a support site & few (including docs.) knew little about it. Count yourself lucky.
Try to focus on other things. Don't panic. Read FAQ-Ten Commandments of Surviving C. diff. Try to stay occupied -- read, exercise (if possible), shop (just know the locations of every restroom wherever you are).
Your body might take awhile to recover.
Again, you will get well -- honest.
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