how about our love lives?

[peanut]

my lover of almost 2 years just broke up with me for the second time in 3 months. ive had cdiff for seven months and since that time my quality of life has effected my family friends and spouse. he said that ive pushed him so far away that he now has to let me go. ya know its bad enough that we have to live through this nightmare of cdiff and all the depression and other illnesses it comes with, and now this...unreal. i mean yes i have put him through the ringer i do admit that for sure and ive been trying so hard to mentally get better and then i get shot down again with a relapse or something else wrong. i mean this whole disease just makes you go up and down and i just figure to really get better its gonna take time. but he says i keep hurting him and pushing him away, and everything is about me me me. uuugghh this is all i need right now in my life. sad part about it is i really love this person. i mean i always thought that if you love someone you stand strong for that person through good and bad. ahhh i guess thats life right.....

[peanut]

this disease has ruined my life. i feel even more hurt and alone now...i guess its my fault ive lost friends and the person i love. what do i do now

[Christina]

I'm so sorry peanut. C-diff is hard for most to deal with and my husband had a hard time as well. He was very frustrated and every time I relapsed he would yell at me. My GI Dr. talked this through with me and explained it from my husbands point of view which did help a little. I now look back on it and see that not only was I going through C-diff but my husband and children were as well. I am not saying your boyfriend is right though. If he can't stand by you through the end then maybe it's time to let go. I have thought about how my husband might react if I had something more serious than C-diff and as much as I love him, I don't think he would handle it any better than he did C-diff. I'm not so sure we'd make it through. You will be OK no matter what and C-diff will eventually be part of your past then hopefully you will find someone a bit more supportive. As hard as it is, concentrate on getting yourself better. He will be the one to someday realize what he has pushed away. like everything else it just takes time.

[Nancy1]

peanut,
I am so sorry to hear about your lover running away. I had a somewhat similar experience when my daughter was killed in an auto accident in 1988. I had been a single parent for many years, and I had been dating a man (whom I hoped to marry) for 3 years when my daughter died. After 4 months, this guy said, you're not getting any better, because I was crying all the time. So he split! I was astonished. He had said he loved me, and I thought, as most of us do, that love means for better or worse.

Looking back on this, I am so glad that I didn't marry him. My daughter's death was a test for him, and he failed. So I think that your lover failed his test. I believe that down the road you will be glad that you learned this about him. It is not your fault that he left. It is his fault.

Hang in there. Keep writing to us here. We care.

[cindym]

Cdiff has a way of ruining everything in it's path! Our lives, our finances and our well-being emotionally. My whole family has done a complete change since I got cdiff and not for the better I must say. However, after many tears and lots of time (6+ years) of thinking about it.........if it is meant to be IT WILL BE and if not then its best we found out before anything worse than cdiff (if any) should happen and know what to expect!
My way of thinking has changed and I now realize that I need to take care of ME because no one else will! I have been the caretaker and the supporter all my life and when it came my turn to need the support very little was given. Lets just say----it has been a real eye-opener and definitely changed my whole perspective on the rest of my life IF I EVER DEFEAT THIS BUG!!!!!!! Basically be glad the rascal LEFT as it is harder to deal with the rolling eyes and the disgruntled comments when you feel your worst. Basically there have been many occasions when I would have welcomed showing my loved ones THE DOOR due to their lack of compassion. LIFE GOES ON and everything is a learning experience so make mental notes and learn from it.

[peanut]

Thank you all for your support. I really appreciate it. hes now telling me i have to leave the house as soon as i can. I dont need this right now. its just so upsetting because its just bad timing with the holidays here and me fighting this nasty beast, but i guess if he truley loved me he wouldnt be dumping me at this hard time in my life. I guess i will have to just try to put that part of my life aside right now and concentrate on getting well again. and i want to say, you folks on this site are the greatest. your my only support right now and i dont know what i would do without you all. thank you all so much.

[Nancy1]

Hey, I just want to punch him in the nose!

[nsewell]

I'll second that!! I couldnt imagine having to deal with that crap AND cdiff AND the holidays all at the same time. Concentrate on your self cause god knows c-diff is hell. I couldnt have made it without my husband! He's one in a few! Positive attitude is what really helped me at the end of my c-diff. Hang in there. You ever need to talk just email or pm me.

[carrie]

Hey Peanut, so sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. I hope you have some where to go if he is suggesting you leave. I feel bad for my family(2 teenagers) and husband as I have always been an very independant person who was busy and active from 6AM until 11 PM so I try my hardest to understand where they are coming from. They do not know the person I've been in the last few months and so when they get frustrated I remind myself why this is so difficult for them and that gives me a different perspective. My husband has a very demanding job and when he gets home the last thing he needs is more stress. I try and encourage him to have time to himself and to go enjoy the activities he always participated in. When I feel scared or alone I tell him I need him and explain why and how important he is to me and how much I need him(because I really do need him). Most nights I ask(or he asks) if we can go for a 10-15 minute walk just to have our time and being outside is always refreshing and lifts my spirits. We use to run together and now we play cards together and watch hockey games. There are times I would like to tell them all how insensitive they can be but then I try to remember that they are also feeling scared and they do not know what to do and again this is not the person they are used to so I work through it all in my own head and try to give to them as much as I can at this time. I love my family dearly
and when I'm really down or scared I call my mother as she is there for me as much as I need her. Hang in there Peanut, just know that when this passes you will get back to the life you once had with or without your lover and I hope if he is truely important to you that you find a way to work it out just don't put up with anyone making you feel bad for what you are going through or who you are but do try to understand that it is also a very trying time for anyone who loves us.

[TheVike]

Wife was scared to death of me for a long time still think she is like I got the plague or something can you blame them???? She is my strength:)

[marscan]

Im with Nancy, I read this and want to punch him, although the nose wasnt my first-choice target.

[fire7163]

Sorry to hear that this has happened. We need to be aware of the fact that this disease affects not only us but all of those who are close. It's really no different than watching a family member fight cancer. The emotional drain for them is the same. We really need to take a little extra time and care with the ones that are close and standing by us through this to make sure that they are dealing with our issues and not causing them to have their own issues. "Take those that are close to you and hold them closer. Take the time to tell them how you feel. The embarassment will be momentarty, the silence eternal" The WTC Site March 02. Words from a brother FDNY Firefighter that changed my life....

We have to remember that besides caring for our own illness, we have to care for those who are also suffering around us. It's very frustrating for them to watch us as we ride the rollercoaster, and them not being able to help.

As for your other, hopefully a little distance will let him refocus and come back. If he's worth keeping, he'll be back. We call it trial by fire, it can make you much closer and stronger, and always have your back.

Hope you get stronger with each day, Stay Safe

[peanut]

I love you guys. You are all wonderful people. Thank you again for your support.

[Katy]

Hey Peanut,
Sorry to hear about your "guy issues". I agree with what many have said here, better to find out about this now, rather than later. Just think if you ended up marrying him and then got cancer or some other horrible disease. What would happen to "for better or worse" then :( Be happy that you're seeing his true colors now, although it doesn't make it any easier for you, I'm sure :(

I ssssoooo agree with what so many of you have expressed here. I haven't "lost" any friends or family over this, but my daughter, who is OCD to begin with, won't even come inside my house! She does errands for me, thank God, but she will NOT come inside my house because she has little ones and is afraid of catching this. Can I blame her - not really. I feel sad about it, but I'd probably feel the same way. And if I bullied her or shamed her into coming over and then she did get it I'd never forgive myself, so I just leave it alone.

I'm a single person, so to read some of your experiences it truly makes me wonder if I my situation isn't better by being single. It is hard at times, when I'm so fatigued to even do a load of clothes washing, or put the dishes in the dishwasher. But I just take it one day at a time and do what I can do. What the heck, nobody is seeing my messy house right now anyhow LOL I also think I would struggle with the possibility of giving this to my partner (if I had one). And too, like some of you said, it's so hard to get others to understand what we're going through. Sometimes I think they think I'm being a drama queen, and even though my mother is also struggling with c-diff right now too, I think they see her case as being different because she's 78 years old. I sometimes think they think I'm feeling sorry for myself, etc. But ya know what, sometimes I AM!! And I don't care what they think! Let them run to the bathroom countless times a day (at it's worst), or struggle with trying to get rid of this beast. Then they'll have the right to think whatever they want. But for now, I'm just trying to get well, and it's not easy doing it alone! I should probably go back on my antidepressant, since this whole experience has definitely got me depressed (even moreso than I was before c-diff "invaded me"). But right now, I'm almost afraid to add any more medications to my system.

Anyway, thank God for this place and all of you! The support we get (and give) here is priceless. Thank you all!

(Phew! I think I actually feel a little better now LOL)