Just need to vent

[cryingsilly]

I am tired. I am weak. I am angry. I am crying. I HATE this! I hate the not knowing.
I hate feeling like the vanco should be doing more by now for the relapse, but not being sure about it.

I hate getting a bit better only to get worse the next day.

I hate that my life is on hold.

I am in a constant battle to think positive. I try to just breath, wait, wait , breath.

Will I get better? Will I be me again? Whats it going to take?

One thing I am going to start doing is keeping a journal, because it would be great to be able to look back on my first bout with cdiff and see if I had days like this. Probably did, but I sure don't remember them.

Ok.. there. Vent over. Back to the bathroom.

Darlene

[pam2738]

Darlene

I think we've all felt like this at one time or another. I remember back in October/November/December, being so scared, wondering what the rest of my life would now be like. What if I was one of those who relapsed & relapsed & relapsed? I was so scared of that. If I dwell on it, I would be again so I don't think about it. I push it away & take one day at a time.

Trying to stay positive is easy to say but it's really important. What I did for awhile & still do is to talk to my Cdiff. Usually in the car when I'm going somewhere outside the village. I tell thye Cdiff that it is not welcome in my body or in my life, that my body & I reject it totally. That we want it gone. And I shout at it. I picture it leaving my body as a dark cloud. I focus on health & strength instead of on sickness & fear. You can do that & if you do it, you will feel better.

Pam

[diane]

Darlene,
we all need to vent , there were some days I would cry my head off, feel better and get on with my life. C diff totally made me so sick that I had to be near a bathroom since I literally went 20-30 times daily for over a year. Yes even on Vanco. I was determined it was not going to take my life. I made sure when I went somewhere I knew where the bathrooms were. Yes there were times I had to run to the bathroom. I would go and be back to where I needed to. I relapsed right when we arrived on our family vacation to Florida that we planned for 3 years. It was a total pain in the butt......... literally. I did not feel good I was going so much I was weak, but I was not going to ruin my family vacation.I did have to stay in bed a little while we were there , I had no choice but otherwise I would run to the bathroom and tell them I would catch up or meet them in line.. So this long drawn out story is to tell you don't let c diff take your life from you.. do get out there and start slow i fyou have to ..... but keeping busy was the best thing I could of done. ( the time it kept me down was in the hospital and they wouldn't let me leave..lol. ) I even begged to go home..... It will get better for you At some point most of us have felt like you! Try to keep yourself busy~

[Christina]

We have all had days like you, Darlene. I spent many days crying and asking why me and also many days where I was very, very scared. Especially, when everything I tried failed. The turning point I think for me was when I decided to keep fighting and not to give up. I started going places and doing things and was determined to try everything possible to get rid of C-diff. It was at this point that things started turning around. If you give in you are a victim of C-diff. If you turn around and fight it has no choice but to go away.
I remember after my stool transfer failed calling my Dr. crying hysterically because the Vanco seemed to no longer be working. I kept having to take higher and higher doses to keep things under control.It really, really scared me.He told me there really wasn't much else to do except stay on the Vanco long term and if that didn't work I'd have to stay on it for at least a year until a new drug was approved. I flat out told him I was not ready to accept that and I was not going to give up until I tried every possible treatment out there. So I asked him, if you were me and have tried everything else and everything else has failed but you knew you had to get rid of this what would you do? That's when I decided on the IVIG's. If that failed at least I had tried everything but I certainly wasn't going to give up until I tried. That's when things changed.
It's hard to be positive but you must try. Keep busy best you can and be thankful for the little things you do each day. There were some days when I was just happy to get up and do laundry! If you continue to fight it will go away, it always does. I promise.

As far as the why me, I now know why. As bad as C-diff if there is a reason some of us are chosen to continue to relapse. This was something I didn't believe until it was over but now I realize it. I have become a better person, a smarter person, and have learned to enjoy life quite a bit more and not to take it for granted. I have also learned a great deal of patience and I have also met so many wonderful people.

[cryingsilly]

Thank you all so much. You dont know how much your posts mean to me.

Pam, I will now scream at my c diff, and tell it that you sent me : )

Diane and Christina, I will get up and be as well as I can be. Period. Thank you.

Christina I have been sick for a good long time. Only 6 weeks or so with c. diff, but it comes on top of years of Lupus, chronic fatigue, pain, migraines, vertigo etc. And as much as I have hated being sick, like you, it has made me a better person. I am compassionate, caring, and have a genuine love for people, and a tender heart for those that are dealing with illness.

Thank you for the reminder.

Today my c. diff is feeling better, but I have a migraine with vertigo and only slept a few hours. I suppose when it feels like I am being attacked one moment to the next, I get so discouraged.

Thanks for reminding me to keep my chin up : )

darlene

[Nan]

Thank you Darlene for writing this post. I'm sure most of feel or have felt the same way. Thank you Pam, Diane, and Christina for your always insightful responses. I have been in the battle since January 05, and have often felt like you Darlene, that my life is on hold, why me, angry, crying, felt it all. I do have a new outlook now. It will get better. I won’t have this forever. I am doing the very long pulse, now on 7 days off and 1 day on. I have actually never felt better in over 2 years. I am thinking of stopping all vanco soon. I still have some not do good days, but they are much fewer, and I have a lot of hope. And if not this time, it will be next time. Words of encouragement that you gals write are so helpful to me and to all of us who read these boards. Thank you so much.

[Bobbie]

We've all gone through this -- and survived.

Read FAQ-Coping With C. diff. It might helpl