A battle every day

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okaylo
Regular Contributor
Posts: 147
Joined: Thu Jun 16, 2016 6:32 pm

A battle every day

Postby okaylo » Thu Dec 22, 2016 3:38 pm

I have been going to therapy to get professional help for my anxiety and OCD. I have also since started neurofeedback therapy which is designed to retrain your brain and to calm down the recurring thoughts and repetitive behaviors. I have only had one neurofeedback session but am hopeful it will help. I am working my hardest every day to claim my life back but I still have extremely bad days in which the anxiety and fear controls me. I am sure that some can relate in terms of my feelings and some will say that I need medication and my thoughts are not validated. I have tried medication before and have had bad side effects from it. I will be working with my doctor to find a suitable one if the neurofeedback therapy doesn't work.
My latest fear came on when my Mom took my shampoo bottles out of the shower and put them on my bathroom counter. I am afraid that if there was anything on the shower shelf or floor from when I was sick that it got on the bottles and is now on my counter. Or from when I washed myself and touched the bottles. I never had an accident in the shower but the thoughts keep running through my head. I have refused to put my hair dryer or anything on that piece of the counter all week and have gone to work with wet hair every day because of it. I have fought the urge to go get the bleach and wipe the counter which is monumental progress for me. I know if I go and get the cleaning supplies again it is just going to start another downward spiral so I am fighting. I have also made myself go out and do things and not just sit and be depressed at home. I am trying. Just looking for a little reassurance.

NanciT
Long Time Contributor
Posts: 3035
Joined: Thu Sep 18, 2014 12:01 pm

Re: A battle every day

Postby NanciT » Thu Dec 22, 2016 6:44 pm

The neurofeedback is an excellent idea, you do need to give it time to work. As I was reading your post my thoughts were we all must get our bodies adjusted to normal everyday bacteria, I think that is part of the healing process.
The fear you speak about is just that...fear. We all need some exposure in our lives, slowly the body adjusts and in time things get back to a "new normal". I say that because it has taken me a very long time, I do not feel the same as I did before CDIFF but I have learned this is my new normal. Most of this is about time. Between the counseling and the nuerofeedback you should see improvement. There are a great deal of medications and you mention you cannot take them but I would review what you have tried in the past with your doctor and maybe consider trying another slowly....if the other therapies don't help.
You have past the worst of this, CDIFF is GONE....now it's time to let your body and mind recover so you can be free of all of this.
Wishing your brighter days ahead
NanciT

okaylo
Regular Contributor
Posts: 147
Joined: Thu Jun 16, 2016 6:32 pm

Re: A battle every day

Postby okaylo » Thu Dec 22, 2016 8:52 pm

NanciT, thank you for your kind words and encouragement. There are just little reminders every day that bring up the anxiety. From the cleaning supplies at work that I used under the sink, to the ones at home, my clothes hamper, the water drops on my dresser that I ruined from drying my hands off in my room, the carpet which I know there is nothing on but I still worry, the floor that I cleaned multiple times but I still won't walk on without shoes or slippers, being afraid there's something in my truck from when I took my samples in, overwashing my hands and showering a certain way, always being overly careful and afraid to touch anything etc. The fear got so bad I bleached the inside of my truck at one point. I don't want to put anything in my truck to move to my new house. I still step over the dog gates and will only go out one door in my current house. I have thrown so many items out that bother me but I cannot throw out my whole life. I have little emotional breakdowns daily and everything takes me twice as long because of my thoughts. So much time is wasted. I'm hoping the neurofeedback can help channel those thoughts and cut down on the wasted time so I can get back to my life. I know many would see my fears as unreasonable and irrational but to me they are so real. I'm so afraid of getting sick again or getting someone else sick. I feel guilty if I let my guard down or try to feel happy or normal in any capacity. I hope this gets better with time. Thank you again.

beth22
Long Time Contributor
Posts: 10852
Joined: Tue Apr 07, 2009 2:23 pm

Re: A battle every day

Postby beth22 » Fri Dec 23, 2016 2:23 am

I think it will get better in time and with your therapy. I will keep you in my prayers. Let us know how the therapy goes.

okaylo
Regular Contributor
Posts: 147
Joined: Thu Jun 16, 2016 6:32 pm

Re: A battle every day

Postby okaylo » Fri Dec 23, 2016 2:55 am

Thank you Beth, I hope so too. I want my life back and to be happy again.


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