Just need to vent

You can do it here... but no profanity, naming specific names, etc. Try to be constructive. Suggestions to improve the board or discussion forums are always appreciated.
ashtontw
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Just need to vent

Postby ashtontw » Fri Jun 24, 2016 9:44 pm

Backstory on me, if anyone cares to read...26 year old female. Server, bartender, makeup artist and fitness enthusiast.

I've suffered two severe bouts of depression in my young life. And I was diagnosed with an acute anxiety disorder that led to me being agoraphobic for almost 6 months, about 6 years ago.

I hate this disease. I hate it for stealing my happiness. I hate it for making me bound to my bed with anxiety. I hate it for making Dr. Google my best friend. I hate it for taking my focus away from my 6 month old puppy that is my whole entire world. I hate it for taking me back to feelings of severe depression and disabling anxiety. I hate it for making me cry more than I have ever in the last 6 years or so. I hate the medicine that I have to take. I hate the scary side effects that come with it. I hate that there are so many like me, going through this, and hurting just as bad as I am. I hate that this disease is becoming more common and affecting so many lives. I hate the fear. I hate the "what-ifs." I just want to feel happy. I want to feel secure. I want to feel healthy. I want my life back.

susant
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Re: Just need to vent

Postby susant » Fri Jun 24, 2016 9:47 pm

I'm right there with you. Just started Vanc again tonight after being negative for 5 months. I hate Cdiff and the joy it has stolen from me. I've missed out on my daughters first year of life because Of Cdiff. I'm so angry and scared at the same time. My fear is it'll never go away.

ashtontw
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Re: Just need to vent

Postby ashtontw » Fri Jun 24, 2016 10:31 pm

Susan I'm so sorry that you are going through it again. I will be keeping you in my prayers for your recovery and for you to find peace with your anxiety and fear. Keep fighting. We will beat this and we will come out stronger.

susant
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Re: Just need to vent

Postby susant » Fri Jun 24, 2016 10:35 pm

I'm 28 by the way so young as well! It's very frustrating... I started this battle at 26 and it's still winning. I'm hoping for a "cure" soon

NanciT
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Re: Just need to vent

Postby NanciT » Fri Jun 24, 2016 11:00 pm

This is for both of you.......

It is OK to feel angry, frustrated, stressed, cheated...all of it.....CDIFF is a miserable nightmare!

For some, they are treated and move on with life....they come on the board , we support them through it and they are on their way! We do have posters like this

For others....they get well and have a reoccurance, some quickly like myself with 2-4 wks, other's like you Susan...5 months later. Although we have not had many who have had months in between unless they have been on recent antibiotics or had another exposure.

Everyone DOES get better....some get through it a a few months, others like my self were on treatment 10 months. I am CDIFF free, I tell myself that often. I still have post IBS, but CDIFF is gone.

For me, it is one of the most difficult things I have ever gone though, the fear took over and I hardly knew myself. It has taken a long time for the emotional recovery. I did not have a supportive employer....or family( other than my husband and daughter).
We all have different stories and yet we all share this horrendous illness. I am here and stay on this site to let people know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It's easy to get lost and a fight to get out, but you can do it.
We are here to help you get through, we have been in your shoes and understand.
Wishing you both the best....you will get through it!
NanciT

Bobbie
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Re: Just need to vent

Postby Bobbie » Fri Jun 24, 2016 11:33 pm

Agree with NanciT. We are fortunate to have people who understand our misery and can offer companionshipand understanding.

For a long time when my son and then I had c diff years ago, I was "it." Terrifying, lonely.

georgina
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Re: Just need to vent

Postby georgina » Sat Jun 25, 2016 1:47 am

Ashtonw
I know can relate to everything you said . Ever since Cidff i feel like i lost my life , it has stolen everything from me : wedding , honeymoon , mental heath , won't let it steal my job. It given : worst anxiety , depression and insomnia , it killed my immune system , had lots of flu's this year , THE JOYS OF CDIFF!! We all want our lifes back , we all pray for a REAL cure and hopefully one day this ordeal will end.

beth22
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Re: Just need to vent

Postby beth22 » Sat Jun 25, 2016 1:55 am

I feel the same way. Ever since this last positive test, I've been very depressed and feel as if I just don't even want to bother trying anymore. But, then, I think of my family and know how they would feel should something happen to me, so I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. It is very difficult to do though. I, like Georgina, was not willing to give up my job. I've given up eating like a normal person, lost friends because of not being able to do things, lost my joy of life, etc.

I'm hoping the SER-109 (see the news reports section) will come out soon. It has had favorable results in clinical trials and is not an antibiotic treatment. Very similar to FMT. Something will come along I'm sure, but hopefully sooner rather than later. I'm not getting any younger!

Lisa33
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Re: Just need to vent

Postby Lisa33 » Sat Jun 25, 2016 9:10 am

I can totally relate to you Ashtontw as well. I am 44 years old now, but when I was 18 years old, out of the blue, I started having severe panic attacks. To make a long story short, it turned into severe panic disorder and depression. I was also agoraphobic. I did not leave my house for 6 months, except to go to my PT job, which was a task in itself for me. The panic was so bad that I had to drop out of college, and literally would sleep in my mother's bed because of the fear that I was going to die if left alone. After going through doctors, therapies, etc., I got myself out of it. Fast forward through college, starting my career in NYC, the panic disorder comes back. All of this starts again, and this time, I am commuting to the city for work. I couldn't get through it on my own, and now I had responsibilities that I had to tend to. I had to take meds. I was on anti-depressants for many years, and they worked for me. I went off of them when I got pregnant. However, my point is that I have suffered off and on with severe anxiety disorder which always was accompanied by depression for many years. When I got c-diff, about 21 months ago, it brought out the anxiety big time. It was very hard to deal with mentally. This board gave me so much support, and I got through it. Over the years, I have learned cognitive behavioral therapy techniques, which help me, and I have been able to control my anxiety, thank God. As I said in another post, when I'm going through a stressful time that causes anxiety, I try to fill my days up and keep busy. Work and having a daughter helps me to do that big time. But keeping my mind occupied is the best remedy for anxiety. I should also say that I'm a big hypochondriac. That stemmed from almost dying from Meningitis when I was 16. Ultimately, that ordeal is what I believe to have led to my panic disorder at 18 years old.

My advice to get through c-diff is to keep as busy as possible. I know it's hard to do, especially if you aren't feeling well and can't eat or go out. But, find things to do, like listening to music, reading a book, yoga, whatever it is that you like. Lean on this board for support. We've all been in your shoes, so we can relate to everything that you are going through. Sometimes family and friends don't understand. And, read through the success stories. They can be uplifting and make you feel more positive. Remember, the majority of people are cured on the first or second round of treatment. Most of the time, you don't hear from them again on this board. They are back to their lives. Unfortunately, the ones that have a more difficult time are the ones that you read about more on here. Don't get caught up on that though. I was cured after one relapse after taking Flagyl. I was put back on Flagyl, which was the worst, and switched to a 14 day course of Vanco, which is what cured me. I am in the majority. Don't get discouraged. You will get through this.

Lisa

ashtontw
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Re: Just need to vent

Postby ashtontw » Sat Jun 25, 2016 10:58 am

Thank you so much to everyone for reading my cry out and for your responses. It means a lot. I almost went back to the ER last night because my legs and feet will not quit twitching and it's freaking me out. I can't tell if it could be a possible side effect from meds (nerve damage??) or if I've gotten myself so worked up that I'm having muscle twitches from anxiety. I just want to crawl into a hole! I couldn't sleep at all last night. When I first got this, sleeping was my escape. So now not being able to sleep with twitchy muscles has got me spiraling down even more.

Dobies#1
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Re: Just need to vent

Postby Dobies#1 » Sat Jun 25, 2016 5:54 pm

Ashton just hang in there. Your thoughts and feelings are completely normal and understandable. Go and love on that puppy! Take it for a walk, teach some new tricks, anything to help give your mind a break. What kind of puppy do you have? What's his or her name? I have three Doberman's and I love dog's! They're a great stress reliever! I'm in a bit of a funk myself hoping I'm just having an IBS flare. I have anxiety too if you want to search some old posts. I'm betting your muscle twitches is anxiety most likely. I've had them when my anxiety was really bad! The mind is a powerful thing and it's exhausting. You will be okay! (((((HUGS)))))

Ril
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Re: Just need to vent

Postby Ril » Sat Jun 25, 2016 7:30 pm

I hope you younger ladies who are feeling so devastated right now are getting the point that some of us have our own stories and have been through the same or more than what you are going through right now, and are still here- or back here- to try to help you and tell you there is life after c diff! It is not going to kill you, but may torment you for a while, but in the end you will win and you will get better.
Only Bobbie knows my story, or most of it....
But 3 1/2 yrs after c diff it has left me with crummy PI IBS but I will be fine and so will you.
And we have this site to thank for so much and now some of us pay it forward. So nobody give up and try to really "hear" what is offered to you here.
Rita

Bobbie
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Re: Just need to vent

Postby Bobbie » Tue Jun 28, 2016 12:12 am

Well said, Rita.


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