hating myself right now

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tonia
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hating myself right now

Postby tonia » Wed Mar 09, 2016 12:29 pm

Hello.

I am really struggling with hating myself right now, and what c diff has done to me. My 18 year old son has been vomiting and having D since 4 am. Before c diff, I would be upstairs hanging out with him, playing video games and making sure he isnt getting dehydrated etc. Now, I am petrified to go up there, and I get very uncomfortable when he comes downstairs. He went in the kitchen to get some ice, and I about had a fit. He is weak and sick and I gave him a can of lysol and a bottle of bleach and told him everytime he vomits or has D he needs to spray his bathroom down with the lysol and when it is all over, clean it all with bleach. What kind of mother does that?! My son is sick, and all I can think about is me and whether or not I will get it and if it will cause c diff to rear its head!!! I feel like a horrible uncaring mother right now and it is destroying me. I do not want to feel afraid of my child! How can this awful disease get such a strong hold on the mind of someone who has always been indefeatable? I dont get it, I hate it, and I want to be able to take care of my son and not be afraid. I am so lost and upset right now, but I know many of you here will understand. I swear, if I were rich, I would go to a hypnotist and have every thing I know about c diff wiped out of my head and once again live blissfully ignorant about all the nasties in the world. Has anyone here relapsed after a stomach virus? If so, how long after the bug did the c diff come back? I am also worried that this will make him more susceptible to picking up the c diff, or having it go active if it is already in him. I just want to crawl in a hole.

Bobbie
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Re: hating myself right now

Postby Bobbie » Wed Mar 09, 2016 1:39 pm

Very understandable. You have a strange disease that is hard emotionally, physically and financially and it is important you not get something else. Your son is a big boy and can understand. Apologize but tell him how you feel and you wish you were the "old you" and could be with him when he is ill.

Why isn't there someone to nurse us mothers?
,
Don't beat yourself up. If he were little you would have taken care of him, but he is not. He will forgive you far faster than you will forgive yourself.

PS I Would,have done the same thing - and also felt badly about it.Guilt - part of motherhood.

Lisa33
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Re: hating myself right now

Postby Lisa33 » Wed Mar 09, 2016 3:31 pm

I can totally understand where you are coming from. Every time my 4 year old gets sick, I want to go in a bubble as I ALWAYS catch whatever she has. The fear of antibiotics is always there with every illness that comes into my home. Your son is 18, so I'm sure he can understand. Don't beat yourself up over these feelings. Because my daughter is so young, I never have a choice, and have to be with her through whatever illness it is. We have both had the stomach virus, and c-diff did not rear its ugly head again. So, if you do catch it, it does not mean that you will get c-diff again. It's actually unlikely that you will. When my daughter had it, after she was done with the vomiting, the D started, and lasted quite a few days. That was terribly nerve-racking, but I kept reminding myself that it was completely normal with any stomach virus. I usually give her probiotics after a stomach bug to get your gut back in check.

Try to not let the guilt overtake you. You have endured enough, and need to take care of yourself. As Bobbie said, who nurses us mommies?

Hugs,
Lisa

AllisS
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Re: hating myself right now

Postby AllisS » Wed Mar 09, 2016 6:00 pm

Interestingly, neither C. diff nor norovirus is killed by ordinary cleaning methods, which would include Lysol. That's why many on this forum have purchased the Clorox Germicidal Bleach Wipes, which are available only online (e.g., through Amazon) and not in retail stores or pharmacies. But household bleach works just as well, though it's more of a hassle. I'd dispense with the Lysol; it doesn't really add anything to the cleaning regimen. Straight bleach shouldn't be used; instead, mix one part bleach to nine parts water in a spray bottle. I've recently read that after a surface is wet down with bleach (whether using the wipes or the liquid mixture) it should be left wet for about 10 minutes before any drying is done, e.g., with a paper towel. Important to clean not just surfaces such as toilet and countertops but also handles (of doors, toilet, cabinets) and commonly handled items like TV remote.
If your illness was preceded by use of a medication, e.g., an antibiotic, please fill out an FDA Adverse Event Report at http://www.fda.gov/Safety/MedWatch/default.htm

justme
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Re: hating myself right now

Postby justme » Wed Mar 09, 2016 6:54 pm

When around sickies, I use the ear loop face masks. They filter out bacteria, dust, smoke and pollens. I have bad allergies and am prone to occasional bouts of asthma. In Hawaii we are often subject to VOG (volcanic ash particles that drift across all the islands during El Nino seasons when the winds are from the south) or many and varied types of pollen which are in the air year round. A bout of asthma, which led to bronchitis, then the flu, which led to pneumonia and numerous doses of antibiotics and voila - C.Diff. Since then, I bought several boxes of the masks (they are disposable) and use them whenever necessary. They have them here in Hawaii at most doctors offices and patients who are ill with colds and flu are asked to wear them to protect other patients.

Tonia, I agree with the others. Your son is a big boy. He can take care of himself and is old enough to understand why he shouldn't expose you to his germs. Don't worry. But then, worrying is what we mothers do.

Aloha,
Anne

NanciT
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Re: hating myself right now

Postby NanciT » Wed Mar 09, 2016 10:54 pm

Tonia

I really do feel for you.......no one can really understand what it is like to go through CDIFF, it takes so much out of each and every one of us. We are left in fear of it's return and time is the only thing that will help. I am sure your son knows how ill you have been and realizes how difficult it has been for you.

Hopefully you have another family member that can check on him. There is alot of flu going around.

Take care of yourself too....

NanciT

tessa63
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Re: hating myself right now

Postby tessa63 » Wed Mar 09, 2016 11:21 pm

Tonia

I have a 19 yr old and would do the exact same thing! I am also avoiding my 86 yr old Mom at the moment while she is sick (my siblings are caring for her). They are also visiting a nursing home for possible placement and I have refused to go on the visit. I don't feel guilty about any of it because I couldn't handle the anxiety and worry after being exposed. So you are well understood.

georgina
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Re: hating myself right now

Postby georgina » Thu Mar 10, 2016 2:16 am

Don't beat yourself Tonia! I had the same problem two weeks ago when my husband had a knee surgery, i was afraid to go to the hospital to visit him.I felt so guilty about it and said that is time to take a chance and i went there.I was there with him even if i was wearing gloves on my hands.

beth22
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Re: hating myself right now

Postby beth22 » Fri Mar 11, 2016 2:41 am

I agree with the others. Don't feel guilty. And don't bother with hypnotherapy. I tried it as a GI that I went to for a second opinion suggested it. It was a total waste of money!

Ashley20
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Re: hating myself right now

Postby Ashley20 » Fri Mar 11, 2016 4:46 am

The fear is real and so strong, i too couldn't believe how much cdiff affected my mind and even though i love my baby with all my heart...when he tested positive for cdiff i couldn't and wouldn't take care of him. I felt like the worst mother in the world. I would constantly tell my husband to put him up for adoption or to give him away to his mom or anyone who would be willing to take care of him. I had to go to alot of therapy and take zoloft with ativan to be able to actually enjoy my baby and care for him again. I constantly worry about the day he ever gets the stomach flu...i think i will panic but hopefully God will give me the strength to get through it too. Sending you lots of hugs!

txjoanna
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Re: hating myself right now

Postby txjoanna » Sun May 14, 2017 9:59 pm

Worrying will do absolutely nothing about the situation. When u worry so much and having anxiety can take a toll of your body and mind. Take a deep breath and try not to let fear take over. Here's some good news. You know what the diagnosis is and he's being treated. He will get better soon it does take time. Don't be afraid to be around your son give him a big hug and reassure him and yourself things will get better. I wish you both well and speedy recovery hang in there:)


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