Afraid

[sevla]

Happy Sunday everyone!
Today I just want to vent my fears away.. This week will be a special one for me:
- going in for a breast ultrasound and mamogram tomorrow (did these 2 weeks ago but they called me in for more tests which I am so afraid about..why would they call me in again?) Apparently I have a new lump on my left breast (where I already had two cysts), and right breast hurts a lot. I am very afraid of it all..
- FMT on Thursday. After weeks on Dificid, the time for the FMT has finally arrived (if nothing crazy happens and I have to cancel it again). I am very nervous and excited at the same time. I just want to go off Dificid and see what happens after the fmt. My doctor keeps saying he does not want me to take imodium, which makes me nervous. I can't seem to convinve him..

So it is two big things in one week.. I feel completely overwhelmed this morning..I just want to cry. I will not though. I have to stay strong in case the news tomorrow are not good...

[Lisa33]

Sevla - This has been such a trying time for you. I don't know why we get put in these situations, but you will come out of this stronger. Try to keep up the positivity through all of this. I will pray that everything comes back fine with your breast testing. And, I am also sending prayers that you have a seamless FMT and are cured of c-diff forever. After all of this is over, you need to take a nice vacation or do something fun and relaxing. You deserve it so much. It has been some run for you, and I so wish that it is going to come to an end soon. No more doctors, tests, meds, etc. That is what I'm praying for you. Please let us know how your testing goes tomorrow. I know that it is scary, but keep positive thoughts going. I hope that the end result is a great big sigh out saying that everything is fine.

Prayers and hugs to you. We are all here to support you through this.
Lisa

[Dobies#1]

Sevla, I'm sending lots of prayers up for you for tomorrow. I know all too well about the fears of breast issues having breast cancer myself. With that said, MANY women get called back for further images/testing and it turns out to be nothing. Doctor's have to cover their butts and any good one would want to be thorough and make sure all is well, and IF they tell you that you need a biopsy keep in mind that 80% of those lumps that are biopsied are BENIGN. There are many things that are NOT cancer so try not to go to the bad thoughts until they tell something definite. You will beat C Diff also. Take one day at a time this week, lots of deep breaths, take a walk, and keep busy. We are here for you and holding your hand. HUGS!!!

[sevla]

Thanks so much, Lisa and Stephanie. I didn't want to cry today but I did cry reading your replies. Not because they made me sad, but because they mean a lot to me. It's amazing how the members of this online community supports one another as we go through such hard times in our lives. It all started for me with a boild on my neck and going to the hospital on April 29th..and back to the hospital May 5th with cdiff (clearly acquired when I stayed for the boil). Since then, it has been the hardest 4 months of my life with one thing after the other. This has affected my personal life ans my career (as I was required to travel 50% of the time and was not able to do so since this all started).

At the moment it is hard for me to imagine my life to how it was before, but I just want to feel well again and adjust whatever needs to be adjusted.

Thank you sooooooo much for your support and for your prayers. They really mean a lot to me...

[NanciT]

Sevla

I can feel your fear, I am looking at this week as very positive for you. First, the FMT you have been waiting for. After taking so many days of DIficid I can only see a very positive result from the FMT! I think you are going to do great.
I also want to add the numbers are on your side for the biopsy's. As one who has worked in the field and assisting in hundreds, I take the positive thoughts each and every time. It is not easy, the waiting is the worst but we are here to wait with you and support you through this. Just remember, some let the fear take over and do not have the tests....as you go through it each step is being put behind you.
Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way...

[Bobbie]

Sevia,
I have fibrocystic breasts - was called back several times for another exam. When we were moving from Omaha to KC 35 years ago my OB told me he was sure I had breast cancer. Gotta love some of those doc's! After another test, he said I did not They used to say Vit E helped - it did for me. Also cutting back on coffee. Didn't know what they say now.

I am older - actually just plain old - so I no longer have mammos or paps because I would not accept treatment. Saves a trip to a doctor! It is different when you are younger.

Best of luck. . We will pray it is just fibro.

[NikaNik]

Sevla - sending lots of prayers up for you and good vibes/wishes that the breasts are benign and cause no more pain and that the FMT knocks out the c diff for good (and that your health is great from here on out). You've been through far too much - it's no wonder you're anxious and afraid. Totally normal and understandable so don't be hard on yourself. I agree with Lisa - treat yourself to something nice after this! You deserve it! xo

[sevla]

Thank you Nanci, Bobbie and NikaNik!
Sometimes it is reassuring to other people have been through similar experiences and that it all ended up being fine.
Bobbie - that doctor was such a jackass!! Omg..the more I hear these stories the more I understand why so many people sue doctors.. There are great doctors, but there are really clueless reckless doctors..

Thank you all again for your help and support! Sometimes I think I would go crazy if I would not have a way to vent.

[beth22]

Sevla - I've been called back as well. It happens to many women. They would have called you in for a biopsy if they suspected something more already. I have had the ultrasound too. I actually had breast surgery, but not because of a lump, but rather calcifications. I have had them for years, but a few years ago, some had changed. I had to have a biopsy that day and they found that they were pre-cancerous. I had them removed via a lumpectomy about 6 months later and that tissue was not even pre-cancerous. It was more of a precaution to remove them, I guess. Don't worry. I know so many women who had to go back and have it checked more thoroughly. Good luck with the FMT. Hopefully, the week will bring you good results for both things.

[justme]

Sevia: Count me as another one who has to keep going back for a recheck after a mamo. Once it was nothing, just a fold of tissue that they thought was a lump. I also have dense breast tissue (don't know why) so that usually means a retest. Nothing has ever been found. The machines now are so sensitive that they see every little thing and that may cause them to overreact. Beth is right, if they really suspected something more profound, they would have scheduled a biopsy. Good luck with the FMT. We all are pulling for you to get through this and able to enjoy your life free from all the worry and anxiety.
Take Care,
Anne

[sevla]

Thanks a lot for sharing your own experiences, Beth and Anne!
The letter that I got also mentioned that I have dense breast tissue, which sometimes make it harder to see things (acoording to the letter). So I will see what happens today. I hate mammograms - they hurt!

Thanks again for all the supporr - it's so nice of you all!

[Dobies#1]

Sevla, I'm still praying, holding your hand and with you in spirit! Please update us when you get home today! (((((HUGS)))))

[sevla]

Thanks Stephanie!
Two hours later I am back from the appointment. It amazes me how long it takes to go over these things - they are emotionally exhausting.
After a mammogram and 2 ultrasounds they called me to the doctor's office - this step here made my race 120beats/min as I had heard the doctor give feedback to others in the rooms next door. So when they told me that in my case she wanted me to go to her office I thought of the worst. I had already felt very worried when they did two ultrasounds..I was just thinking "what is it? what can they not see or what is so unclear?".

So I have a new lump which looks like fibroadenoma, hence a benign lump. I have 3 on the left breast (and one on the right). Two had been biopsied in 2010. Back then they told me they were cysts now she is saying they are solid masses and look like fibroadenomas. I will just trust her. I am supposed to go back for a new check in 6 months. I had already been told by my breast doctor before that I can empty boobs and just rebuild them..I really thought about this possibility in the past, but now with cdiff I just cannot do it, not for now. Not if it is optional. However, the fear of these lumps turning into something else is also very real.

So in 3 months I have to go do a pelvic ultrasound (to check on the ovarian cyst), and in 6 months I have to do an MRI to follow-up on my gallbladder and do a breast ultrasound to follow-up on this. Fun times ahead still! However, I will take one day at a time - next stop: FMT!...

Thank you all again for you great support.. I feel very lucky to have this community of amazing people who truly care for one another.
Hugs to everyone and hope everyone is feeling better today.

[Dobies#1]

Well Sevla, I think you are right that you need to put the worry of these tests in the future to the side and focus on the FMT this week! If my thinking is correct benign masses don't turn into cancer. They will check to see if they've changed. Being thru cancer myself I hate waiting and watching but for now trust your docs and take things one at a time. You now have a plan and you will be alright! I'm keeping you on my prayer list and sending you a hug. Please update when you feel like it after your FMT. Think good thoughts! You're getting this one out of the way this week, then you can focus on getting better.

[Lisa33]

I consider that great news, Sevla. You don't have to worry about this anymore now and can focus on your FMT. Next stop - getting rid of c-diff for good! This is a positive step and one that will certainly end this chapter in your life. You are in my prayers. This will be over with before you know it!

Hugs,
Lisa